


Hit and Miss

by DarkwingSnark, Mr_Mumbles



Series: Dan VS... [3]
Category: Dan Vs.
Genre: Elise and Dan become friends THE FIC, F/M, M/M, Multi, Romantic Comedy, Sequel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:55:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23335741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkwingSnark/pseuds/DarkwingSnark, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_Mumbles/pseuds/Mr_Mumbles
Summary: Tragedy befalls Chris Pearson, and it's up to his wife and best friend to team up and seek revenge.Whether Chris wants them to or not.
Relationships: Chris Pearson/Elise Pearson, Dan Mandel/Chris Pearson, Dan Mandel/Chris Pearson/Elise Pearson
Series: Dan VS... [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653220
Comments: 8
Kudos: 45





	1. Everything Stays

**Author's Note:**

> New story, who dis?
> 
> Tw: Nicholas Cage, cars, and hospitals, oh my.

Half-past noon: the Nicholas Cage Cinema. 

Sometimes there were benefits to living in California-- in this case, the crazed notions that passed as ideas pitched when it came to the services. Whether it was from the actor’s popularity or the owner dealing with the woes of a restraining order-- the fact of the matter was that it was a theater that only played movies of said actor. The patrons were dealing with a (admittedly far safer) game of Nicholas Cage Russian Roulette: you’d hope for a  _ ‘Con Air _ ’, but ultimately you were just as likely to receive a bullet to the head with the tragedy of a film that was ‘ _ Left Behind’ _ .

That day in particular?  _ ‘Raising Arizona _ ’.

Chris Pearson, admittedly, never heard of the movie. And was surprised when his long time friend, recently turned partner, was okay with the fact it was the theater’s choice-- Dan wasn’t the type to watch anything about child rearing, which the poster gave the indication of. For a moment Chris wondered if he, too, was going back onto that craze of wanting a kid of his own to help create a lineage of ‘the proper breed of non-stupid’. Yet it dawned on him, after filling his arms with their snacks, it was far more likely Dan was amused by the idea it would make  _ him  _ squirm.

It was only once the movie started that Chris realized it was far more likely because the movie was about two people who broke the law for their ‘own valid reasons’.

“Dan,” Chris mumbled to the man, tightening his mouth into a frown. “I thought you learned this lesson already… You shouldn’t kidnap kids.”

Dan rolled his eyes, stealing a handful of the taller man’s popcorn to mix with his snowcaps.

“Well I don’t  **plan** on it,  _ mister judgey _ .” This was muffled by his chewing, yet it still held its cadence of annoyance. “ I just think, in cases like this, maybe  _ some people _ deserve kids less than others.” He swallowed. “Besides, you can’t say you think those drooling bags of flesh will actually be safer with those  **other guys** , do you?”

Chris supposed he had a point. Maybe not the perfect point, _ mind you _ , but enough of a one that he was willing to settle into his seat comfortably and attempt to focus on the film. ‘Attempt’ being the keyword-- as the moment he did, Chris found his hand forcefully grabbed closer to the short man next to him. Dan continued to watch the movie, a glare on his face as if ready for anyone to challenge him on this action.

Despite the awkward position it left his arm on the armrest, Chris couldn’t find a single complaint.

Dan had been accurate in his disappointed assumption that nothing would change between them, despite transitioning from friends to partners. For the most part, that was. Dan was still Dan, Chris still found himself being dragged along on outlandish-- and sometimes seemingly pointless-- revenge schemes. Dan still insulted him, demanding he pay for everything (Chris was only now realizing his friend had always acted like a spoiled, gold digging girlfriend, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that), and they even still talked and argued about the same things. Dan still avoided Elise if he could, preferring his time with Chris  _ and Chris alone _ .

The differences were in the little things, and it had become a sort of game Chris found himself playing throughout the day.  _ Spot the Little Things. _

Sitting a little closer than he normally would, catching him staring only to have him look away to glare in the opposite direction, and Chris’ personal favorite, this. The hand holding thing. Sometimes it was subtle, as if Dan was purposely leaving the option wide open for pretending it was accidental, and sometimes it was like this. Forceful and defiant. 

Chris appreciated both.

And for all of Dan’s supposedly wild dreams and blatantly flirty remarks he’d throw out every now and again, when it came to action, Dan had been surprisingly chaste. It was as if hand holding was all Dan knew about dating someone. And that was fine with Chris. Moving slow, being unsure of himself, these, too, were Little Things,  _ new things _ , that Chris found himself enjoying. Dan had always been wildly impulsive, persistently  **com** pulsive, ridiculously self-assured, and an unstoppable force in the face of opposition and adversity. When Dan wanted something, to heck with logic and reasoning, consequences be darned, he did not stop until he got what he wanted.

So seeing Dan struggle with this was both endearing and fascinating. Chris’ newest guilty pleasure. Heavy on the guilt.

If Dan felt he was a victim of a crime, it certainly didn’t show. 

So Chris Pearson allowed himself to enjoy this new side of his friend, his thumb rubbing against the back of Dan’s calloused hand. If it seemed Dan was leaning closer afterwards, well… Chris wasn’t going to say anything about it.

Dan, however,  _ would. _

“What are you  _ staring _ at?” This was whispered harshly, as his face appeared to be fighting to produce a glare that just wasn’t happening. The taller man did a half hearted shrug, not able to hide his smile.

“Oh,  _ nothing. _ ”

“If it’s ‘nothing’, then eyes back on the screen. You’re missing a good bit!”

Chris didn’t think he was. Still, he obliged, letting Dan off the hook even as his friend squeezed his hand back. If asked later what had actually happened in the film, or even his opinion on it...Chris wouldn’t be able to say. 

_ He had been distracted by a much more engaging view, after all. _

* * *

It was a couple hours later that Dan and Chris left the theater-- Dan in high spirits. How could he  **NOT** be? The Cohen Brothers were comedic  _ GENIUSES! _ Sure, ‘Raising Arizona’ was no ‘Lebowski’. But what it had in its mixed reviews, it  **more** than made up for with an equally entertaining Cage performance. 

Dan was laughing, as he recounted his favorite parts to Chris.

“And, and heh, the part when the guys was all ‘ _ I’m going to kill you, I’m a big dumb bounty hunter and you got in my way! _ ’” This was done with his arms out, looking broader, as he mocked the character with an attempt of a baritone. Dan continued as himself. “ And Cage,  _ haha _ , Cage shows him he pulled the pin from his grenade? OH,  _ oh my sides  _ at the look on his  **face** ! Hahaha!”

Chris had just finished putting their collective trash into the bin, as Dan waited for the guy to open the door. He wiped his eyes, still cackling, as they both left the theater.

“Hehe, oh.  _ Oh Chris _ , if only I could see something like that  _ for real.” _

Chris, busy patting himself to remember which pocket his keys were in, stopped for a moment to throw Dan a look that screamed ‘morality police’.

“You mean watch somebody  **explode** in front of you?”

“WELL, when you say it like that, you almost make it sound like a  **BAD** thing.”

“Because it  _ IS _ , Dan. I shouldn’t have to explain that to you,  _ and the fact I do makes me  _ **_concerned_ ** . Can’t you just stick to the senseless violence you see on tv?”

“ _ But it’s not the saaaame. _ ” Dan whined as he continued to make it to the other side of the street-- the theater’s lousy parking lot only big enough for a few cars. He sighed, waiting for Chris to stop being so slow as he gave into the other man’s point. “I  _ suppose _ I wouldn’t want to get gore and other visceral goodness on me. This is my best shirt..”

The next few moments happened so quickly, but every time the memory would spring back up in Dan’s mind from there on out, it would always play in agonizing slow motion. Chris halfway across the street, pulling his keys from his pocket. Commenting about how he thought that was Dan’s  **_only_ ** shirt, his words barely audible over the sound of a growling engine and squealing tires. The sickening THUD as the green car sped through where Chris had been a moment ago. Another, meatier thud as his crumpled body hit the pavement after being thrown and tumbled over the vehicle’s hood.

Dan stared, mouth agape, eyes wide, unable to believe that had just happened. And then unable to believe it hadn’t been  **_funnier_ ** .

“ _ Chris _ !” Dan ran over to his fallen companion, still unsure if he was even still alive. He turned to glare daggers at the car, still speeding away down the road.

**_“HEY!_ ** ”Dan shouted, ready to take off after it, fueled by blind rage and a complete lack of logic and reasoning.

Luckily, he’d only gotten a few feet when Chris’ voice stopped him in his tracks.

“ _ Daaaan... _ ? Wait,  _ please  _ call an ambulance, I. I definitely think something’s broken. ... I think there’s a lot of things broken.”

Dan anxiously ran in place, attention darting between the fleeing vehicle and the phone in Chris’ hand, then back to the vehicle, now nearly out of sight. Finally, he stopped running, shouting out his wordless frustrations before stomping back over to Chris and snatching the phone from his hand. He raised a finger to dial, but paused.

“Oh! I almost forgot, what is  **with** me today?” He muttered, before clearing his throat.

“ **_GREEN CAR GUUUUY_ ** !” He shouted angrily, shaking both fists up at the sky.

“There, now let’s see... oh! Right, an ambulance.” Dan dialed 911 and waited impatiently for someone to pick up. He was greeted a moment later by a dispatcher on the other side.

“Emergency 911, this is Mike speaking.”

“There’s a reckless  **SCHMUCK** going around thinking he owns the road!”

“ _ Daaan _ ,” Chris pleaded again, clearly in agony. This was enough to get the gremlin of a man to think  _ compassionately _ rather than  **passionately.**

“Oh, and I’d like to request an ambulance for my friend. He’s been the victim of said recklessness.”

The dispatcher was silent for a moment, no doubt trying to process what was being said.

“Sir… Victim, _ how? _ ”

“How  **ELSE** are people victims in hit-n-runs--  _ that filthy animal ran him over! _ ”

“Is your friend still breathing?” Mike tried to keep the man on track, no doubt being distressed by the state of his friend.

In the street, however, there was starting to be a crowd. Murmurs and the like surrounding them. This seemed to frustrate Dan all the more, as he glared-- starting to feel cornered. He grumbled into the receiver.

“Here, you tell ME!”

Before the dispatcher could argue, Dan bent over and placed the phone to Chris’ face-- Chris having long since forced his eyes shut to fight the swirling sense of vertigo he felt from the pain. He didn’t have much strength to explain how awful things were, as all that came out was a long groaning:

“ _ NehhhyeEehaaAh… _ ”

Dan instantly took the phone back to his ear.

“ **THERE** ,  _ satisfied? _ ”

Dan waited for the dispatcher’s response, lip jutted out as he looked impatiently at his nails. Mike didn’t have him waiting long.

“We’ll send someone right away.”

“ **_Thank_ ** _ you. _ ”

And with that he hung up the phone. Dan looked down at Chris on the ground, his sense of calm he just had from winning the phone conversation instantly vanishing as his brows furrowed with concern. He sat next to his partner, gently rubbing his back-- more for his own comfort than for Chris. He was already passed out by this point, no comforting a sleeping meat bag.

“It’s okay, Chris. We’ll get that guy who did this to you. We’ll run  **HIM** over, _ promise. _ ”

He’d make sure of that.

* * *

It hadn’t taken long before the ambulance arrived, Dan climbing into the back with him. While he HAD considered snatching Chris’ keys and following with the car… That wasn’t necessarily HIS problem, was it? Let Elise take care of that.

It was the momentarily thought of the woman that Dan realized that perhaps he DID have the tiniest of obligations to call her. Especially if they were sharing the Chris. It was as the ambulance reached St. Larry’s Hospital, hopping out the back and following the paramedics inside, that Dan took out Chris’ phone and called.

He did his best not to feel the familiar sense of jealousy as he clicked the icon of Chris and Elise’s wedding photo.

“C’mon,  _ pick up, pick up pick up _ .” 

Bad enough he HAD to call her, the LEAST she could do was not keep him waiting. Dan’s glare softened some at the sound of the click on the other line as Elise answered the phone.

“Hey honey, you guys done with your movie and pizza?”

It was sweet and saccharine sounding, and the fact Dan was hearing it so close to his ear sent a shiver down his spine.

“Hello, Elise.” He said flatly, ignoring the hustle and bustle as they were taken to the back rooms of the ER. “While we have, indeed, finished the Cage masterpiece, our plans otherwise have been momentarily put on hold. We’re at the hospital.”

This caused all cheerfulness to leave the woman’s voice, concern making her instantly lash out.

“What did you  **DO** , Dan? I swear, _ if you’ve poisoned Chris again _ , I’ll--”

“Woah,  **HEY!** I did  _ no such thing! _ I wasn’t the one who ran him over with a car!”

What Dan didn’t expect was the sound of a metal clattering to the ground, and the fact Elise’s anger had vanished.

“Dan,  _ please _ . How, how bad  **is** he?” She sounded so.. Oddly broken. And the uncomfortable feeling in the man only grew as his surprise caused him to sober up just as fast. Dan watched as they were taking Chris’ blood pressure-- finishing checking him in.

“He’s… He’ll be fine. No blood.” Outside anyway. But no need to say that when Elise could think about the possibility of internal bleeding on her own. “He’s out right now, the pain and all that. Um, we’re at Saint Larry’s, if you wanted to…  _ you know. _ ”

“Yeah.” More rustling, followed by the annoying groan of a garage door opening. “I’m on my way. And Dan…”

“....Yes?”

“Thank you .”

Dan didn’t respond as he hung up, watching as the nurses left--not doubt sending along the information to the doctor on the floor. 

Leaving him alone with his unconscious friend. 

“Here you go again,  _ causing me nothing but  _ **_trouble_ ** _. _ ” Dan grumbled, even as he plopped down in the empty chair next to the stretcher. Admittedly, the longer the situation stretched on, the more Dan felt... unease. He chose to blame Elise, who had to go against the script and make everything sound so  _ serious _ . Unnecessarily  **dire** . 

“ _ Stupid Elise…  _ I don’t know why she’s acting like this, you aren’t  **DYING** !” A pause. “You’d tell me if you were dying, right Chris? That’s not something you’re supposed to  **hide** from me.”

Chris continued to say nothing, as his chest rose and fell. His exhales would have the slightest bit of a quaver, a shake, as if the act of breathing was enough to cause him pain. Dan took Chris’ hand in his own, and he couldn’t help but think of the fact they had just been doing the same thing a couple hours prior.

_ The annoying fluttering of moths were nowhere to be seen. _

* * *

  
  


Room 204 was just as sterile, just as unfeeling and artificial as any other hospital room Elise had ever seen. Chris lay in a hospital bed, both legs in casts, suspended from above. The television was on, and he seemed to be watching it. She distantly noticed Dan sitting not far away in a waiting chair, mumbling to himself, and was surprised he wasn’t sitting in the chair right next to Chris’ bed. Not that it mattered much.

Seeing the love of her life laying there in the hospital bed, battered and broken, it hurt. This hadn’t been the first time, of course, but it never got any easier. It was funny, really, she worried for her husband being hurt because of her and her dangerous line of work, and yet the man managed to find every other way to wind up like this.

She approached his bedside with a kind smile, calling upon every ounce of self control not to allow her worried panic to show. Elise noticed that while his eyes were certainly open, they were not focused on the television. In fact, they weren’t really focused on anything. They had that familiar, glossed over look. They at least seemed to brighten slightly when they shifted over to notice her standing there.

“Oh, hi honey!” His words were slurred and slow, but his smile was genuine. “I had an accident.” He added, sadly, as if he was afraid he might be in trouble.

“Aw, I know, sweetie. You look awful.” She bent down to give him a quick smooch, and this seemed to bring his mood back up instantly.

“Yeah, they said both my legs are broken. And some of my ribs were bruised. And my arm again, I think.  _ It’s been a long day. _ ”

Elise’s smile faltered for a moment. Yeah, he was pretty bad off. She’d need to speak to the doctor when they came in, she needed to know the full extent of all this. She ran her fingers through his mussed hair and he seemed to sink into his pillow.

“You must be in a lot of pain.”

“Nah! I can’t really feel much of anything, actually.” His smile fell into a frown that may have been comical under other circumstances. “I’m not even sure my legs are still there. ... They didn’t take my legs, did they?”

“They didn’t take your legs, Chris. They’re still right where they’ve always been. I promise.”

Chris relaxed again instantly, letting out a loud sigh.

“Oh  _ thank goodness _ . Thanks, Elise, you’re the best. _ I love you _ .” Chris replied, as if he was under the impression she had been the one to make sure they hadn’t taken his legs.

“I love you, too, honey. Did you have fun on your movie date?” She picked up his hand and stroked his palm with her thumb.

“Uh huh! We saw the movie, and Dan did that thing he does, you know the thing Dan does, yeah. It was great.”

Elise only smirked in reply, Chris’ words had tapered off at the end, his eyes closing. She gently set his hand down and then let him rest, turning to check in with the newest member of the equation.

“Hey, Dan. I’m surprised you’re still here.” This wasn’t said unkindly, but it earned her a sharp glare just the same. She sat down in the chair beside him, anyway.

“Where am I supposed to  **go** ? I rode here in the ambulance.” Despite his callous remark, Elise only gave him a sympathetic smile. He wanted to hate her for it, and found he just couldn’t find it in himself to.

“He’ll be alright.” She assured him, glancing back over to her battered husband in his hospital bed.

“I _ know... _ ” This caused her to look back, as his tone almost sounded disappointed. “He always  **_is_ ** . But that guy  **got away with this** , Elise!” Dan gestured to Chris as if he was the entire  _ this _ , his pleading eyes searching for any sign Elise understood. 

She did.

_ “In his stupid green car, I wanted to break  _ **_his_ ** _ legs... _ ” Dan whined, folding his arms and pouting. That lightly slumbering part of Elise that craved motherhood couldn’t help but be charmed by this grown man’s bouts of childish behavior from time to time.

“Aw, Dan ...” She placed a gentle hand on the top of his head, and leaned in to whisper, “ _ we’re going to, don’t you worry.” _

This caused Dan’s pout to turn into genuine surprise. Eyes wide, as if he was just told the secret of the universe, Dan looked over at Elise with wonder.

“ _ Really? _ ” He couldn’t believe it, really he couldn’t. She was the one that usually tried to stop his need for retribution. 

Elise nodded.

“Dan... they ran over Chris and didn’t even **care** to check if he was _still_ _alive_.” All cheer turned grim- the way Elise leaned in causing deep shadows to enhance her macabre intentions. “ _I will_ ** _find_** _them and show no mercy._ ”

Any normal sane person would be alarmed by this change. A shiver might go through them, fear of what this seemingly lovely woman could do if she had ambition and nothing holding her back.

Dan Mandel was neither of those things, and thus was thrilled.

“You know, I think I’m starting to see why Chris married you, Elise.” His smile slipped, however, as he realized a hitch in the plan. “Except I was focused on Chris, I wasn’t able to get a lead on the guy. I wouldn’t know where to even  **start** this time! I can’t track down  **every** cruddy green Prius in L.A.!”

Elise’s gaze turned back to her husband, as she could see him attempting to eat his hand in his sleep. Dan watched as she turned her focus on him and him alone-- even as Dan could tell she had come up with  **something.**

“No… we just need to see the one.” 

She stood from her seat, her form towering over Dan as her eyes locked with his. 

“Come on, Dan.  _ We have work to do. _ ”


	2. Lair of the Dancing Shadow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Elise investigate, taking them to the strangest of places.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big Brother is watching...

Dan Mandel didn’t know what he expected when the wife of his new beau had told him to follow her out of the hospital. He supposed he should have been more concerned-- he would have been in the past, seeing as he usually wasn’t alone with her. And when he  **WAS** , that spelled his or his intestines’ doom. 

_ He could feel his stomach clench just from the memory of forcing him to eat beyond his small stature's limits. _

Yet… there had been something in Elise’s tone. She had pied piper-ed him with the vow for vengeance, and perhaps like a fool he had  **listened** . Dan stared out the window-- watching unfamiliar buildings pass by-- as he toyed with the notion this might be the last time he was seen again.

Dan wondered if changing Elise’s radio from Bowie’s ‘Fashion’ to something a bit more poignant was in order. Ultimately he decided it was in fate’s hands, as he filled his own with another handful of flamin’ hots.

“So, Elise, inquiry if I may?”

Elise, who had been busy keeping her eyes on the road, hummed in recognition.

“ _ Hmm?  _ Yes, Dan?”

“Why  **DO** you keep like twenty bags of chips in your glove department, anyway? Aren’t you usually the one getting on people's cases about diets left and right?”

This made the woman smile even as she turned off the main road and into a side street.

“Ah, that.  I tend to keep emergency Chris snacks in the car. Had to after the time he became delirious and tried eating the armrest.”

Dan scoffed at this.

“ _ Classic Chris _ , always good for a laugh.” He paused. “Speaking of Chris: what was that ‘ _ Dan doing the thing _ ’ bit about? What  **_thing_ ** ? You guys talking about me behind my back, or something?”

“Dan,  _ really _ ?” Elise looked more tired than angry. This was getting far too old. “You don’t need to be so suspicious all the time. You should feel  _ flattered _ . He’s been giddy gossiping about you on end  _ for weeks. _ I haven’t seen him this way since before we were married.”

Dan didn’t so much as glare, as he simply looked unimpressed.

“ _ I’m absolutely atingle _ .” The man deadpanned, balling up his now empty bag of chips. “Now what has he  **SAID** ?”

Elise drove into a parking lot, stopping the car.

“Would you look at that, we’re here!”

“ **_Don’t_ ** you change the subject, I am  **not** that easily -- a  _ Blockbuster _ ?” Apparently Dan  _ was _ that easily distracted, as the old seemingly abandoned building in front of them now held his full attention. They drove around the back, and parked.

“Yep.” Elise replied simply, shutting off the car and climbing out. Dan unbuckled himself and followed suit, uncertainty and unease rising within him. Being taken to an abandoned building where no one would find his body until it began to smell.

He  **knew** Elise wasn’t okay with this situation. Did she really think he was this stupid?

“Uh, Elise, I guess no one bothered to  _ tell  _ you, but Blockbuster hasn’t been in business for  _ years _ . Are you **sure** we’re in the right place?”

Elise couldn’t help but notice Dan hanging back, as if he was wary the building may rear up and swallow him whole.

“Hm? Oh, yeah! Work bought out all of the company’s locations after they went under. People tend to steer clear of old abandoned places like this.” She had unlocked the door and was now holding it open for him. “Come on, get inside.”

“Um.” Dan tapped his fingertips together in front of him, nervously, but continued forward, anyway, against his better judgement. “Okay...”

The place was dark, and so very, very empty. Only a few long video racks remained, just as empty and barren as the rest of the store. Dan wasn’t proud of the way he jumped when something crashed behind him ... it had only been the door swinging shut, but the way the sound reverberated off the walls _ wasn’t comforting. _

Neither was the fact he  **swore** he heard the sound of said door automatically locking itself.

He scurried along to catch up with Elise-- eyes darting around the room in suspicious paranoia. His dread only grew as he followed her to a back room, his distrust and common sense finally taking over as she led him towards what looked to be a broom closet. 

He stopped and scowled.

“Okay, I’ll admit I’m  _ impressed  _ with your taste in abandoned locations, but I am  **_insulted_ ** you thought it was going to be this easy.  **Off me if you must, but you do** **_not_ ** **insult my intelligence!** ”

Elise had been busy opening said broom closet with her specialized key card, but looked back now to see Dan stomping back out of the room.

“ _ This sacrificial lamb is walking  _ **_out_ ** _ of the slaughterhouse _ .” He mumbled to himself, a moment before he was grabbed and dragged, kicking, struggling, and yelling back inside the back room. He didn’t stop struggling until they were both inside the closet ...

That was,  _ very clearly _ , anything  **but** . 

The metal door slid shut behind them and the entire room seemed to jolt and shift. It was an elevator, he quickly realized. Dan spun in place, taking in everything in a sort of dazed awe. Polished steel, bright fluorescent lights, and various control panels, Dan felt as if he’d just stepped onto the set of one of his favorite space adventure movies. After a moment of stunned and awkward silence, all fears of being murdered forgotten, Dan glanced up at Elise and asked,

“ **What** was it you said you do again?”

Elise, who had been staring ahead in a typical inhabiting an elevator fashion, was surprised by the question. Eyes wide, it only then dawned on her that she was showing Dan one of the many secret bases of her organizanization. With how little Dan seemed to question the crazier aspects of what she did in her life-- creating tear gas, inventions that could cause sentience, the skills she had acquired-- it was easy to forget herself. Easy to not think about how, if she exposed too much, the man would have to go  _ missing. _

She… did not want that to be the case. 

_ Not anymore. _

“Oh, that.” Elise was stalling, trying to see what within her library of lies would work on this man. Chris had been right when he once mentioned the difficulty in knowing what knowledge Dan had access to. She waved her hand around a bit, before settling on one. “ Tech support. You know…  _ computers. _ ”

Not completely a lie, at least.

Dan eyed her with a squint, finger tabbing against his lip in thought. Elise could feel her hand slipping to her side, fingers twitching as she reached for her tranquilizer gun. Finally Dan nodded his head, as if coming to his own decision.

“Huh, must be some rich company.  **Neat.** ” He smiled up at her. “ I apologize, Elise; I hadn't realized all these years you were somebody  _ important _ .”

The woman sighed with relief, even as she caught onto the insult.

“Thanks. I think.” The elevator gave a chirp, and Elise was pleased by this as a panel slid out from the side of the door. “One moment, Dan. Just need to…” 

She quickly typed in a code, fingers gliding in a way that seemed more like she was writing an essay for college than putting in a password. Dan watched impatiently, the glowing lights of the lift already losing its appeal. He was, however, singing a different tune when the elevator chirped again and a british woman’s voice echoed around them.

“ _ Please. State your. Name. And. Rank. _ ”

“Elise Pearson, code Dancing Shadow.” A bright green light came out of the door, tracing over them both. The lift turned from green to red as it squawked out an alarming noise. This was enough to make Elise remember herself. “OH,  _ and guest.” _

The elevator seemed pleased with this response, as everything turned back to the green glow. The computer chirped cheerily again.

“ _ Welcome. Dancing Shadow. And. Guest. _ ” 

The doors opened with a sound that Dan could only equate to the hiss of a newly opened soda can. The sizzle continued even as Elise stepped out of the elevator: entering a room that was a conspiracy theorist’s wet dream. From wall to ceiling were hundreds, if not  _ thousands _ , of monitors. Each one showcased a different scene, some more active than others, as they presented familiar government buildings and places of interest that Mandel recognized. Mesmerized, Dan followed Elise, curiosity just BEGGING him to peak into some of the screens.

“Woah, isn’t that the head of Scientology?” 

It was: he’d recognized Miscavidge’s misshapen head  _ anywhere! _ His eyes opened wide, a small gasp escaping him as the man unzipped his head and took off what looked to be a people suit. Underneath the head of a fly popped out, causing Dan to dance in place giddily. 

“ _ I knew it! _ ” he cried.

“Dan,  _ focus.” _

Elise’s words were barely heard, really just background noise compared to the delights Dan was witnessing on these screens. He stood, transfixed, attention darting from one monitor to the next, all while Elise tapped away at a control panel under another screen behind him.

So many theories he’d been labeled as “insane” or “paranoid” for, proven true, right in front of him!

“We’re here for  _ Chris _ , remember?” Elise scolded tiredly when she noticed he wasn’t beside her.

“ _ Who _ ?” Dan frowned and turned to raise a questioning brow at her. “Oh! Yeah, right,  **him** . ... Hey, that’s us!” Dan turned and joined Elise now, this screen showing a replay of Dan and Chris leaving the cinema earlier that day.

“But how did...?”

“Traffic cam footage.”

“Oohh, clever.”

They both watched the scene play out in silence. The moment the vehicle went speeding by and hit Chris, Dan visibly winced, throwing up a hand to shield his eyes from it.

“ _ Sheesh, that  _ **_still_ ** _ isn’t funny. _ ” He mumbled. He could hear Elise was back to tapping at the control panel.

“Yeah, well, love can make us see all  _ sorts  _ of things differently.” Elise replied, offhandedly, as she rewound and slowed down the footage. Dan made a scoffing noise beside her.

“ **First** of all, I wish you wouldn’t use that word.  _ Second of all _ , I’ve seen Chris get hurt  **hundreds** of times, and most of the time it’s  _ hilarious _ .  **This** is just bad form.” He gestured to the screen with a hand and a disapproving frown.

“Uh huh.” Elise had tuned that out completely. She paused the footage just as the car passed, and zoomed into the back bumper. She smirked in satisfaction.

“ _ Jackpot. _ ”

A few more clicks, and the next thing Dan knew, papers were coming out of the side of a control panel. Chk chk chking along until it was finished. Elise quickly thumbed through them, eyes skimming rapidly over the text. Dan was just about to ask if they had anything  **useful** on them, when the woman beat him to the punch.

“That should be everything we need. So, Dan, feeling up for a road trip?”

It was pretty simple to figure out  _ why _ : the file must have had the green car guy’s address. The one who went and ruined  _ HIS _ outing by breaking  _ HIS _ Chris. Completely uncalled for, was what it was! Still, as much as his being tingled from the unadulterated excitement of moving onto the next phase of a plan, his eyes looked at the bumper still on the screen… the fact it was  _ Elise  _ taking over the reins on  **HIS** revenge was enough to give him pause. 

“Ehh, how soon?”

“Think you can have a bag packed by tomorrow?” She asked, already heading out towards the elevator. Dan followed, slightly dragging his feet as he whined.

“I dunno, Elise. Isn’t this a bit too sudden? I can’t go uprooting myself on short notice, you know: I happen to have **things** to do.”

Elise wasn’t buying it.

“What  _ things _ ? No offense, Dan, but Chris is the only person you  **care** about. What’s so important that you can’t put things on hold for a couple of days?’”

“I’ll have you know, I live a very fulfilling life.” Dan retorted, thinking about all the television he’d be missing. He stopped himself from telling her he had his own life outside of their sordid love triangle, when another thought came to mind-- taking away the bite and making him deflate. “And Wally’s having another sale. I  _ missed _ the last one, Elise. Who even  **am** I without my explosives?’

_ A very thought provoking notion, indeed. _

This would’ve been the second time that day that the maladjusted miscreant had elicited Elise’s desire to coddle. The two had just reached the top floor when Elise placed an arm on his shoulder, escorting the two from the store.

“Aww, Dan.  _ It’s okay. _ How about I let you pick out something from my weapons collection of stuff not on the market yet? Would that make you feel better?”

“ _... Maybe a little. _ ” He wiped his nose on the back of his hand as he sniffled. “ Can one of them be a flameflower? And maybe one of those old timey muskets with a spear at the end?”

This was followed by Dan miming stabbing, adding little  _ ‘nehs’  _ after every time his imagination made contact. 

Elise smiled.

“Of course, honey, anything you like.”

It was as the two were making their way to the silver volvo waiting for them, that Dan was beginning to think maybe there  **WAS** something about having Elise around after all. 

Little did he know... she was thinking the same of him.   
  



	3. Picking Up the Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris gets discharged from the hospital and is looking up to getting time to relax.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a day, and stuff got lost while writing. Please enjoy

It was the following day that the Pearsons found themselves driving back to the comfort of their home. Chris, in particular, was pleased to leave the hospital. Not that the doctors and nurses were a problem-- even if waking up every couple of hours for vital readings was enough to leave him exhausted. No, there was just something about hospitals that left the man uneasy. A feeling that screamed ‘wrong’, even though he knew it was irrational.

He, in part, wondered if it was because there was a limit on how much he could order from the Hospital's catering service at a time.

Yet, none of that mattered now! Even despite the pain, Chris Pearson was in good spirits. He was going home, after all. Home where his things were. Where he could go about with no restrictions... Okay, maybe not ‘no restrictions’. Not being able to walk served as a problem, as did the fact he was currently relying on others to help him with bathroom duties. But, as he looked at his wife-- Elise smiling to herself as she bobbed her head to a song on the radio-- Chris knew she’d at least be kind about her usual ‘no eating junk food during the week’ rule. So maybe she wouldn’t be against him taking out his 50 lb bag of sour patch kids and making a day streaming his shows.

Chris couldn’t help the warmth he felt of the idea of seeing if he could convince both his wife and his best friend turned partner into cozying up with him. Not that it would happen, mind you-- a thought that sobered him from his pipe dream. Dan couldn’t stand being around Elise on an average day, let alone when he was attempting to let his guard down.

Still… no matter how unlikely it was, Chris couldn’t help but dream on.

The Pearsons had just turned the corner onto Jamieson Avenue, when Chris was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of his wife breaking the silence between them.

“Oh good, Dan’s right on time.”

Perhaps a side effect of his hopeful daydream, the fact Dan was apparently waiting for him to get home from the hospital caused him to feel a little more fluttery than the situation called for.

“Dan’s here?” He asked, despite clearly seeing Dan’s car parked on their lawn, the stubby man leaning up against his car, watching them as Elise pulled into their driveway. The warm excitement had managed to seep its way into his tone, which was mildly embarrassing.

Past experiences immediately squashed his cheery optimism with uneasy suspicion.

“Wait,  **what** is he on time for?”

He had a feeling maybe Dan wasn’t here for a night of cuddling in front of the television. Elise threw him a sweet smile as she shut the car off.

“Oh,  _ you know. _ ... It’s a surprise! I’ll come around and get the door for you, sit tight!”

And like that she was out, and Chris’ earlier smile was now stuck in a seemingly permanent frown. He sighed and turned to stare out the front window as he waited. Movement from the corner of his eye caught his attention, and he turned, expecting to see Elise standing outside his door. He cried out and jumped when he was met with the distorted face and wild green eyes pressed up against the glass, inches from his own face.

He was still attempting to slow his heart when Elise came around the pull Dan away from the door and open it for him. With her help and a lot of awkward, painful shimmying, they managed to get him out of the car and into the wheelchair they’d stowed in the back seat. He thanked her and she shut his car door.

Dan was standing there, staring at him with a look of surprised discomfort, as if this was the first time he’d heard of the whole ordeal. Chris almost felt flattered over Dan’s continued concern on his behalf. That was, until Dan scowled, gestured to him with both outstretched hands, and glared up at Elise.

“He’s still  **_broken_ ** ! I thought the doctors were supposed to  **_fix_ ** that. Isn’t that what you  **paid** them to do?”

Elise stared at him, tiredly.

“Broken bones take time to heal, Dan.”

Dan turned back to face Chris, glancing down at his encased legs, and Chris swore he caught a glimpse of sorrow there. But he may have imagined it.

“Well how  **much** time? If we don’t get on the road soon, the traffic’s going to be awful. And you **_know_ ** how I feel about traffic.”

Traffic was the last thing on Chris’ mind, as he did a double take at what the shorter man has said. 

“Road?” He turned to his wife behind him, as she pushed the wheelchair towards his car. Even from where he was sitting Chris could see half the backseat was full of things. Chris could feel his frown intensify. “Honey… what does he  **mean** by  _ ‘get on the road soon’ _ ?”

The fact Elise refused to look him in the eyes told him he wasn’t going to like the answer.

“WELL, Chris… Dan and I thought, after everything that’s happened, maybe you could do with a trip. Something to take your mind off of things.”

Dan, not able to hide his excitement, leaned onto the armrests of the wheelchair, entering Chris’ personal bubble. With an expression that read ‘unhinged’ just as much as it did ‘giddy’, the shorter man looked his partner in the eyes as he cried:

“ _ We found him, _ Chris. We  **found** the guy!”

The guy, no doubt, being the one who caused his accident.

“ _Oh no_.” Chris looked between the both of them. The fact his wife didn’t deny it just made the dread worse. “No, _please_ … you guys don’t **mean** you plan on…”

Elise parked the chair next to Chris’ station wagon, opening the door.

“C’mon, Chris.” The woman said this far too chipper, smiling at her husband as if nothing was wrong. “Dan’s right, we’ll want to hit the road before it gets too late.”

Yeah, okay. So they  **did** plan on doing what he hoped they wouldn’t.

“Really? Both of you guys are doing this now?” Chris sighed, feeling all that had happened hitting him at once. It was more exhaustion than anger, as he could tell this was the makings for another one of Dan’s ‘episodes’ . “Did either of you even think for a moment about what  ***I*** wanted? I don’t want to go on a worldwide manhunt. I just want to stay at home with my favorite people and heal,  _ is that too much to ask? _ ”

Elise gave her husband a sympathetic look, as she gently placed a hand on his cheek.

“Aww, sweetie. We DO understand. Really.” Her smile slipped as a look of vulnerability crossed her features-- something Chris wasn’t used to seeing. “But you didn’t see what you looked like. How worried Dan and I were.” At the mention of the other man, Chris' instinct was to look over at him. Hunched and looking at his shoes, it was clear he was avoiding having to address what Elise said on his part. 

She went on explaining. 

“We could have **lost** you, and… maybe we don’t want the driver to get **away** with it. He did it to you, what’s to say he wouldn’t hurt anyone else”

As much as the man didn’t want to go on a revenge spree so soon after his accident… Chris couldn’t find a way to argue against her. Especially if others could be in danger. He knew he wouldn’t wish broken legs on his worst enemy, let alone potentially a cute little girl scout or some helpless old person. 

“I… guess I can understand that. “ Chris paused, considering what to say next. “But… can you guys at least promise you won’t do anything **TOO** drastic? _For me?_ ”

Going to jail right after being in the hospital didn’t sound particularly pleasant, after all.

“Uh, sure, honey! You bet. Just checking; define,  _ too drastic _ .”

Chris gaped at his wife ... he’d have expected a question like that from Dan, but  **_Elise_ ** ? That sinking feeling in his gut was growing worse by the second. His frustration was quickly rising with it, and against his better judgement, he entertained her inquiry in a burst of agitated exasperation.

“No  _ killing  _ anyone, no  **dismembering** anyone, or l **_eaving them fatally wounded in any way_ ** , no setting  **fire** to anyone’s  _ home _ or place of employment,  **_no explosives-_ ** \-  _ come on _ ! I shouldn’t have to  **_spell this out_ ** for you!”

Dan glanced worriedly over at the vehicle, where a chainsaw, a box of dynamite, a large coil of rope, and a gasoline can could be seen easily through the back window. He sidestepped in front of it and began to whistle off tune. Chris either didn’t notice this or blocked it out to spare his temper and sanity.

“Aw... Chris, it’ll be  _ fine. _ It’ll be  **_fun!_ ** A nice little vacation to celebrate, um. Our, newfound, togetherness!” Elise smiled down at her husband ... he only looked back at her with a sad, boyish pout. Her expression softened, and she reached out to comb her fingers through his hair.

“You can  _ trust _ me, Chris. When have I  **ever** let a situation get  _ too drastic _ ?”

The distant, half-repressed memory of watching his wife beat his ex-boss nearly to death with just her fists instantly came to mind, and he shut his eyes and shook his head to clear it away. He then sighed loudly, and gave her a weak smile.

“Yeah, alright. I trust you, Elise. So, where are we going, anyway?”

Chris wasn’t expecting two different answers.

_ “Arizona.” _   


_ “Washington.” _

The look on Elise’s face told Chris: _neither was she_.

“Dan… Where did you get Washington, of all places, from?” She looked down at him as though he had grown a second head. “You saw the footage, the car had an Arizona plate.”

“ _ Footage? _ ” Chris asked, but was promptly ignored as Dan crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, well, but did you check the bumper sticker? It SAID Washington. Ergo, _we find Washington_.”

“ **_Find_ ** _ Washington? _ ” Elise asked, incredulously. Her husband wasn’t nearly as lost as he threw Dan a deadpan expression.

“Dan… You don’t think  **Washington** ran me over with a car, do you? As in the **ghost** of George Washington?”

Elise’s eyes were wide upon hearing this, as her gaze, too, was focused on the shorter man.

“No, Dan. You…” If she wasn’t shocked, she would have almost found the idea funny. Instead the woman found herself at a loss of words. “Dan, honey… you  **KNOW** that was for Washington State, right? As in the college. _I_ _**need** _ _to hear that you know that._ ”

She did not hear the words she needed.

“ _What?_ Why are you guys acting like **I’M** being ridiculous. The car had his **NAME** on it! _That heathen of a president is out to destroy all my stuff!_ ”

Chris Pearson didn’t like the implication he was property-- even if he was sure a part of him found it mildly endearing. Though, for the sake of moving on with the conversation, Chris chose to ignore the conflicting emotions

“Dan, it CAN’T be George Washington.”

“Chris is right, Dan.” Ah, finally: Elise was stepping up as the voice of reason. Chris felt himself grinning from relief. “Cars weren't readily available until the 1900s-- he wouldn't know  **how** to drive.” She said with finality.

And there went Chris’ smile. The wheelchair bound patient groaned.

But, as usual, it went ignored.

“Then he’s had enough time to LEARN!” Dan argued back. 

“ _ Fine _ ! But you need to be  **alive** to legally acquire a driver's license.”

Chris couldn’t believe his wife was actually arguing with Dan on such a ridiculous subject. Dan really did bring out a troubling side of her ... this was going to be a long so-called vacation.

“Who says he cares about  _ the law _ ? He ran Chris down  **in the street** and probably  **laughed** about it! Besides, if ghosts can  _ hijack _ someone’s  **brain** , I  **_think_ ** they can probably steal a car.”

“ _ From Arizona _ ? Washington is in  _ Virginia _ . Currently.”

“ **_I know that!_ ** He’s probably just--”

“Guys,  **_please_ ** !” Chris finally interjected. Dan and Elise stopped and he shrank a little when they both turned their glares onto him. “What if you’re  _ both _ right?” He began, carefully. “What if,  _ the ghost of George Washington _ , is currently  _ hiding out _ in Arizona, to hide from the ... police, after he ran me over.” He finished this with a hopeful smile and he waited. He hoped that, at the very least,  _ Elise _ might catch on to what he was doing.

Luckily for Chris, his wife was able to pick up what he was suggesting. Eyes wide, realization dawned on her as she silently ‘oh’ed.

“Ah, yes. I see.” Elise turned her attention back to Dan, a forced grin fixed upon her features. “I suppose I can side with the idea that Dan has a--” she paused, her eye twitching, as she readjusted her slipped smile. “ _ Has a working reasonable theory. _ ”

The last bit was said so fast that it came out in one breath, as if the woman had to force out the words like a punch to the gut. She inhaled through her teeth, taking a deep breath before slowly releasing it. 

Her smile was much more genuine as she fixed her gaze back on the shorter man. With a tilt of her head in her husband’s direction, Elise spoke to Dan once more.

“Dan, honey, can you be a dear and help me get Chris in the car? You’re right about us needing to hit the road soon, if we want to avoid traffic.”

“Of course, Elise.  _ After you. _ ”

And just like that, all traces of anger had left the two of them, and one would assume they’d been friends for years. Dan and Elise even worked together as a team to get Chris into the passenger seat, and Dan didn’t complain once, despite “helping people” being one of his, self proclaimed, least favorite things to do.

For Chris, this had all transpired within a confused haze. Even as his door was closed, Chris safely tucked inside, and Dan patted the roof cheerfully. He distantly heard his wife and his best friend exchange more friendly banter, and only came to as Dan leaned between the seats to hand him a soda and a bag of honey mustard pretzels to snack on along the way.

“What just happened?” Chris whimpered, warily, absentmindedly ripping open his bag of snacks. Yes, sure, had it been anyone else, those two getting along so well would be a good thing. But they weren’t anyone else, they were Dan and Elise. They had very specific, very dangerous, traits and mindsets in common, and in the rare moments those two came together in mutual camaraderie, good things rarely followed.

As the station wagon pulled out of the driveway, Chris began to munch on his snacks, his only comfort against the oncoming storm of dread he foresaw on the horizon.


	4. Sleeping With the Enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They've hit the road, things are happening... Chris just wished they WEREN'T.

Dan Mandel had been right about beating the traffic, as they had just reached outside the city limits when the new traffic correspondent of K-ML-N Radio began reporting what she was seeing. Chris had listened to his partner snicker at that, his comments on the matter boiling down to a simple ‘ _ sucks to be them _ ’ mindset. Typical Dan, not caring about the plight of others.

That is, until it somehow affected him.

Chris Pearson’s gaze was out the window, eyes watching the stretch of nothingness around them. Every so often there would be a gas station or a small pocket town, but usually the only sight he had to break up the vast sea of oblivion would be a cactus every so often.

Which didn’t exactly comfort him, as cacti were their own brand of horrors one had to deal with. Especially if they thought about the damage they could do to a person’s body. Chris had to suppress a whine of distress, as he tried to focus on the conversation between Dan and Elise. Except that wasn’t exactly comforting either, was it? No, hearing them joke about how bad the songs were on the stations they picked up. It was… pleasant. Practically normal.

Neither of them were  **normal** people.

_ And so it was  _ **_wrong_ ** _. _

“Chris, honey?”

It was Elise who spoke up, breaking her husband out of his inner reflection. Chris was almost worried he had said any of his thoughts out loud, when a look over in her direction showed worry rather than anger. She smiled at him, laying a hand on his arm in comfort.

“You doing okay, over there? Whatcha thinking about?”

No doubt concerned about a case of prairie madness coming on. He had that issue once, there was always the possibility it would  _ strike again _ . Although, Chris thought bitterly, there was no way he’d be running himself ragged before tuckering out this time.

The taller man sighed, not wanting to think of any of that. He was fine…. At least he  _ thought _ he was fine. Huh. Do  **not** fine people **know** if they’re not fine? How  _ okay _ do you have to  **not** be before you start to see it?

_ “Chris?” _

“Oh, yeah. Yeah I’m okay.” He threw his wife a look of reassurance, a smile that was perhaps a bit forced. Still, Chris went on. “I’ve just been wondering how long you guys planned on this trip being? You didn’t say.”

Chris recoiled, smacking the back of his head against the window when Dan was suddenly leaning in between their seats and yelling in his ear.

“At dawn, we strike! Arizona won’t know what hit it.”

“ _ Arizona _ ?” Chris questioned with a frown, rubbing the back of his head. “I thought you were going after  _ George Washington _ ...”

“ _ Eh... _ ” Dan shrugged. “I figured you guys had a point. After what I did to that jerk the  _ last _ time, he wouldn’t **dare** come after me or my things again! Being spanked in public isn’t something you just recover from. I should know.”

Chris decided to ignore that last part, there were some stories he didn’t need to hear.

“You know that didn’t really happen, right? You made that up.”

“ _ Did I _ , Chris?” Dan glanced over at Chris, deadpan. “The written word is a powerful thing. Besides! Arizona  **also** happens to be on my list, and I figure, if we take down the entire state of Arizona, we’re  **_guaranteed_ ** to get the guy who did this to you, too! It’s a win-win!”

“But-”

“Also, shut up.”

Chris did indeed shut up, for the most part, whispering pathetically and throwing his wife a pleading stare. Please don’t let him become a terrorist again, Elise. Don’t let this happen. Elise glanced at him briefly before speaking up.

“I’m  **sure** there’s a much more efficient way to track this guy down than laying waste to an entire state, Dan.”

“ _ But my list.. _ .” Dan whined, and Chris had to wonder how it was that he gave into Elise’s demands so easily, when he would just argue with Chris about the same things for hours.  _ Sometimes even days.  _

“I know, but it’ll just have to wait, sweetie.” Elise lightly ruffled Dan’s hair, which proceeded to make him slouch into the backseat more with a pout. “This time we get the one who hurt Chris. Arizona will have to wait. We’d need to plan first before we do something that drastic: it’ll take us a while to fill in the Grand Canyon, after all.”

Chris watched as this caused Dan to jolt upwards in his seat, looking at his wife with awe.

“Wait,  **is** that Arizona’s achille’s heel? They actually  **CARE** about that giant hole?”

Elise shrugged playfully, turning her eyes back to the road.

“ _ Possibly. _ They  **do** get millions of tourists a year.”

“Huh.” 

Dan blinked, looking away with a wide-eyed expression that seemed unreadable. Chris had to suppress the urge to facepalm as the man began to mumble and jot down a note of ‘lots of cement’ in his notebook. Once finished he smiled towards the driver. 

“ _ Thank you _ , Elise. You’re continuing to surprise me with your wisdom. I should consider replacing Chris with you as my lackey.”

“Hey!” Chris shouted defensively, though not fully knowing why. He didn’t like being called such a thing, but getting replaced from his titled role was somehow WORSE.

Dan leaned forward, patting his partner’s face affectionately.

“Aww, there there. It’ll only be temporary while you’re broken, Chris.  _ You’re still my favorite stooge. _ ” He cooed.

_ “I  _ **_wish_ ** _ you’d stop _ **_saying_ ** _ that... _ ” Chris mumbled, but allowed the condescending face pats.

“Well you  **_are._ ** ” Dan muttered back, as if this was somehow all Chris’ fault. “You can’t  **_walk_ ** , how do you even  _ use the restroom _ in this condition?”

Chris’s eyes darted over to Elise for a split second before he sunk down in his seat and turned to stare out the window.

“I, don’t wanna talk about it.”

“See? Broken. But don’t worry! Revenge is the best medicine.”

“Laughter.” Chris muttered under his breath, feeling the need to correct him, but not wanting to argue. Unfortunately, Dan heard him anyway.

“What was that? Don’t  _ mumble _ , it’s  **_rude_ ** .”

Chris, now very annoyed, turned to glare and practically yelled back,

“I  **_said_ ** , the **saying** is,  **_laughter_ ** is the best medicine.”

Chris and Dan held each others’ glare as a heavy silence filled the vehicle.

“Is  **that** the kind of garbage those clown cultists were brainwashing you with?”

“They didn’t-- I wasn’t--  _ uhhgg. _ ..” Chris groaned, and briefly considered opening his door and rolling out, just to escape this madness. At least it might delay them, maybe they’d change their minds if he could only stall ...

But that, would hurt.  _ A lot _ . His legs were already very broken. He needed a better plan.

The miles stretched on, and mercifully, chatter tapered off when Dan began to doze in the back seat. This gave Chris the inspiration he’d been looking for.

“Hey Elise? I’m pretty tired, and all this sitting has been  _ really _ painful. Do you think there’s a chance we could find a hotel and rest for the night?”

The woman gave her husband a sympathetic look, her gaze momentarily falling upon the casts on his legs. While Chris wasn’t  **exactly** a fan of the sympathy card-- it somehow felt dishonest or manipulative-- he decided he wasn’t against it if it helped delay their plan even a smidgen longer. Perhaps if Dan and Elise saw he was okay, that might smother some of the fiery fury within them.

Chris doubted it, but it didn’t hurt to try.

Elise was already playing with the GPS on her phone.

“It says there’s a motel coming up on the next exit. It doesn’t look commercial, but if you’re okay with that… We can stop for the night.”

It was this comment that snapped Dan out of his dozing, jolting forward with a choked snore.

“ _ Whuh. _ **Hey!** What’s this about stopping? I didn’t  **authorize** that!”

“Chris needs to rest, Dan.” Elise chose to be the voice of reason, looking at the man from her rearview mirror. “Not to mention he’ll need to take something with his pain killers.”

Chris smiled at this, looking like an eager puppy being given a bone for the first time. 

“We’re getting dinner, too?”

“Again,” Dan was squeezing himself to the front, pushing the patient’s face out of the way. He growled. “I. Did not. Authorize this! I thought we agreed we were going to be there by morning? What happened to the first flame of dawn?”

“First of all, we didn’t agree to that. And secondly, look at him.” She gestured towards Chris, she too played into the heart the grinch spawned as of late. “Do you  _ really  _ think it’s going to be satisfying if Chris starts feeling worse? Are you really going to put Chris’ pain before some petty plan?”

“ _ Maybe. _ ”

“ **Dan!** ” Chris cried out, astonished. He… knew not much had changed as of late, but he had thought  **enough** had. The teeter totter of Dan’s ability to care about his... _ condition,  _ was enough to leave him feeling genuinely stung. 

Chris must have had a look on his face of that of a kicked puppy, as it was enough for Dan’s glare to soften. He looked away, throwing his hands into the air in frustration.

“FINE! For a few hours. But I get to pick what we have for dinner!”

“We’ll have whatever is available.” Elise said with finality, pulling off the highway to a dirt road. Off in the distance were neon lights that read ‘MOTEL’-- enough of a sign they were heading the right direction.

Dan growled again, slumping into the back seat, even as they almost neared their new destination.

“ _ You guys never let me have anything I want. _ ”   
  


* * *

Motels didn’t provide the most luxurious accommodations, especially not ones that had no name-- its sign simply reading MOTEL in big, blocky letters. But the trio couldn’t really afford to be picky and so, pulling into the parking lot, no one complained.

Not aloud, anyway. Dan eyed the building warily. The last time he’d been to a motel, he’d spent way too much money he just didn’t have, and it hadn’t even been on the room itself. Borderline shameful memories kept the man quiet for a change, Chris and Elise exchanging surprised glances as he even held the door open for them as Elise wheeled Chris into the front lobby.

Elise thanked him, but he pretended not to hear her, shoving his hands into his pockets and shuffling along moodily behind them.

“ _ This place is a dump _ .” Dan muttered.

“Hey, it’s nicer than  _ your _ place.” Elise couldn’t help but reply with a shrug.

“Smells nicer, too.” Chris added, with a playful smirk. Dan did not find this amusing in the slightest.

“ **Hey** ! Who’s side are you on, anyway!” He hissed, fighting the urge to punch Chris in the arm.

“Settle down, boys, we’re  _ in public _ .” Elise reminded them, parking Chris’s wheelchair.

“You  **started** it!” Dan snapped.

“You kind of did.” Chris confirmed. Elise frowned and folded her arms, glaring at her husband with a pout.

“Hey, who’s side are you on?”

Chris offered a lopsided, hopefully apologetic smile, and shrugged. Elise seemed to find this an acceptable answer, and turned to speak to the woman at the front desk, who greeted them with a friendly, but tired smile.

“Evenin’, folks. How can I help you?”

“Yes, hello.” It was Elise who took over the exchange, leaving her place from behind the wheelchair to get closer to the counter. “We would like a couple of rooms for the night.”

“Oh, sorry.” The woman--name tag saying Christy-- said apologetically. “Because of a convention, we’re still working cleaning up many of the rooms. We only have one available.”

“ _ Unacceptable! _ ” Dan cried out, worming his way to the counter against both the Pearsons’ wishes. “They’re  **MARRIED** . Do you  _ know _ what sort of things married couples  **DO** at shame holes like this?”

“ **DAN!** ” Both Elise and Chris cried, a mixture of embarrassment and anger flooding their tone. Elise was ready to grab onto the goblin man’s arm, but he slipped out of the way to carry on his rant.

“And  **FURTHERMORE!** What sort of convention takes place in the middle of nowhere?”

At this Christy looked over her glasses, features growing dark as she leaned in to whisper.

“ _ Yoga retreat.” _

This sobered Dan Mandel faster than a slap to the face, as he actually managed to look… sympathetic.

“ _ I am so sorry, _ Ma’am. I hadn’t realized you were treated so poorly.” He cleared his throat, trying to regain some of his previous composure. “But… ah. The point still stands, with them being…  _ you know _ .”

“Does the room have double beds?” Chris cut in, not wanting to hear the conversation carry on the direction it was going. 

“Oh, no. The only room available has a king .” Christy seemed sorry she had to keep being the bearer of bad news. “ But every room comes with additional furnishings. Including a couch for company. That may be the best we can provide, I’m afraid.”

There was a beat of silence before Dan responded with,

“I  **_guess_ ** that might work, they can’t really  **_do_ ** anything if one of them is sleeping on the couch.”

Elise pushed him out of the way and slid her credit card across the desk. She’d had enough of this.

“ _ We’ll take it, just tonight, thank you.” _

* * *

For a motel, the room they ended up with wasn’t too bad. It was roomy and furnished, one king sized bed, a small couch, and a chair. It had a television, a telephone, and even had a window ... with a view of the brick building next to the motel.

“Hey, this is actually kind of nice!” Chris remarked as he was wheeled into the room. Dan scoffed.

“Yeah, just be glad you don’t have a blacklight handy.”

“Dan, _ please. _ ” Elise was clearly exasperated. “We know what these places are like. Repeating how disgusting it is won’t make us leave faster.”

Elise had been using this time to park her husband next to the bed, putting on the breaks. Once done she ran her fingers through his hair, a touch that had Chris turning into goo in his seat.

“Ready to stretch out in bed, champ?”

“Oh, yes please. If you don’t mind.” Chris stated demurely-- even as his eye caught Dan turning on the tv and quickly flipping through channels. His gaze returned to his wife when she placed a kiss against his temple.

“Of course we don’t mind, right Dan?” This was said with so much good cheer, it was almost surprising to see it slip away when Dan never answered. “DAN! Help me get Chris into bed!” Elise cried, causing the man to almost drop the remote.

“GEEZE! Nearly gave me a heart attack! You could have just asked, Elise.”

“I did.”

“Yeah, well… Stop arguing about it so we can get the meat bag into his cesspool covers.”

“Why do you have to say that?” Chris whined, even as both his partners got on either side of him to help lift him from the chair. “You have a choice, the ability to consider what you say. And  **STILL** you just do it.”

“Hey, you made your bed.  _ So now lie in it. _ ”

It was with a grunt that Chris was plopped onto the mattress-- face first into the sheets. He tried to turn himself over on his own, but found that the casts and the limited mobility made his lower half a turtle. Feeble fumbling and flailing did very little to help the situation.

Dan and Elise then proceeded to flip the man like a human pancake-- a thought Chris somehow found comfort in, even as his back snuggled into the bed.

“Comfy?” Elise asked. Chris nodded his head, causing her to smile. “Good. You two relax. It looks like the building next door is a roadstop diner. You guys ok with me running over to pick something up for us?”

“Oh, could you?” Chris asked, hopefully, his spirits continuing to rise at the prospect of dinner. “I’d love a burger. And some fries. And maybe some onion rings ... oh, and hushpuppies ... and, and anything else, really...”

Elise flashed Chris a concerned, lopsided smile. That man loved his food ... so much for his diet. But she supposed comfort food was what he needed and deserved, at least for a while.

“I’ll see what I can do.  _ Dan? _ ”

“Eh? I’ll have what he’s having.” Dan replied distractedly, waving a hand in Chris’ general direction, without taking his eyes away from the television.

_ “Right. _ ” Elise frowned and turned to leave, pausing to wave and smile at Chris before she left.

“Be good, boys.”

“We will.” Chris replied, returning her smile and wave. The door clicked shut, and the room fell in relative silence, the soft muttering from the television being the only sound. The sudden calm was pretty nice, Chris decided, he’d finally been able to relax.

Except he wasn’t. Not entirely. Seeing Dan stand there while he watched the television was making him feel anxious.

“Y’know, Dan, you don’t have to  _ stand.  _ You can  _ join _ me over here.” Chris patted the mattress beside him, invitingly. He received only a fleeting scowl from Dan.

“I’m not going anywhere  **_near_ ** that filthy bed, Chris,  _ so don’t  _ **_even_ ** **.** ”

In all honesty, Dan had enough awareness to realize this bed may have been cleaner than his own at home. And it wasn’t as if he hadn’t slept in worse places before. He just had a hard time believing that sharing a bed with Chris wouldn’t be awkward after what they both knew.

“You mean to tell me you’re going to  _ stand there until tomorrow _ ? I doubt the couch is any better.”

“Maybe. ... I could!”

“Sure, you  _ could  _ ... but do you really  **_want_ ** to?”

There was a brief moment of silence, before Dan began to mumble and grumble to himself. Then he slowly backed up until he was close enough, and sat on the edge of the bed.

“There,  **happy** ? Now shut up, I’m trying to watch this.”

Chris was amused to note that the ‘this’ Dan was referring to was the news, which he had since muted. He sighed, and lay his head back against the pillow. It was a start.

“You wanna know what  **_I_ ** wanted to do when I got home today, Dan?”

“Not really.”

“I was kind of hoping the three of us might cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. Together.”

“What part of _not really_ **eluded** you, exactly?”

This had been one of those rare moments where Dan found his harsh words had actually somehow backfired and hurt himself, instead. Cuddling actually sounded...  _ kind of nice _ , it was just in his nature to spit out insults.  **Especially** when he was feeling insecure.

Luckily for him, Chris knew this and carried on his talk of day dreams.

“It would have been nice. Sit between my two favorite people in the world, knowing that things were going to be okay.” 

The man sighed, realising outside of the company, he didn’t really get any of what he wanted. He hadn’t been getting what he wanted for a while now: whether it was being with his partners, together, or simply enjoying himself while still experiencing the so-called honeymoon phase of his new relationship. It seemed like there was always SOMETHING. And while it didn’t make him angry, per se…

It was still draining all the same.

Chris sighed again, resting his hands against his stomach as he tried to vocalize his feelings.

“You know, Dan, I’m not exactly pleased by all of this either. Um, being hit by a car, I mean. I know you and Elise are angry, and I… I’m not, exactly,  _ thrilled _ -”

“You can say you’re angry, you know.” Dan grumbled. “The thought police aren’t going to burst down the door.”

Chris looked down towards the feet of his bed, seeing that the other man was now staring at him. Chris nodded.

“Yeah… I’m angry, I guess.”

“You  **GUESS** ?” This was nearly shouted, Dan mostly being surprised by the addition. “No,  **MORE** than  _ ‘I guess’ _ . You  **should** be angry! You have every  **right** to be!” By this point Dan was starting to crawl his way up the bed, continuing his ranting. “I’ve been angrier for far less transgressions.  _ But you!  _ You just lay there, wanting us to back out instead! Where is that rage? The fury?  _ The PASSION _ !”

Chris had winced as the man crawled up his casts, but tried his best to keep it to himself. He was far more surprised by what was going on: Dan, sitting on his chest like some imp, was glaring down at him. Chris scrunched his face as the man poked him hard in the nose.

“ _ Ow _ , hey!”

“But  **NO,** ” Dan continued, “instead you just let everyone walk all over you, and I bet you’d say ‘ _ thank you _ ’ afterwards if someone  **demanded** it of you. Man, Chris, you can be so… so  **pathetic** sometimes.  _ What’s  _ **_WRONG_ ** _ with you? _ Why don’t you want to get this guy? He  _ broke _ you. He ruined our date!”

Shock turned to a look of affection, as Chris latched onto what was really being said.

“Dan… he didn’t ruin anything. I had a great time, all things considered. And we still have plenty of time to have more dates; I’m not  _ going _ anywhere.”

“Yeah, because you’re handicapped. That’s what I’ve been  **TRYING** to tell you!” Dan yelled, throwing his hands into the air with frustration. Sheesh, it’s like the guy wasn’t  **LISTENING** to him! Was his hearing busted now too?

Chris actually managed to laugh at this, the ridiculousness of it all. And maybe it was his own need for comfort overriding the concern for boundaries-- something he need not be worrying about with Dan straddling him-- as Chris allowed himself the privilege of wrapping his arms around the man screeching on top of him. He shook his head.

“You’re angry because you were worried. But you don’t have to be. I’m fine, Dan.  _ Really. _ ”

Dan’s look of annoyed frustration had changed the moment Chris’ arms were around him, to a look of wide-eyed alarm. Between that, and the rigidity, Dan now both felt like and resembled a rabbit caught by a predator, frozen in both fear and confusion.

This reaction had only been temporary, however. Soon Dan found it within himself to put the glare back on his face, although its intensity had considerably lessened.

“There you go,  _ psychoanalyzing me again _ . You’re so  **bad** at it.”

With minor readjusting, Dan lowered himself until he was laying completely on top of Chris, his head resting on his chest. Chris almost couldn’t believe it.

“I’m  **_angry_ ** because they **broke** what  _ belongs to me _ . I would’ve been  **just** as upset had they hit  _ my car, _ instead.”

“Sure you would have, Dan.” Chris replied, unable to keep his smirk away. Not that it mattered much, as Dan couldn’t really see his face from his current position, anyway. Chris decided to take a risk, and gently combed his fingers through Dan’s hair, keeping alert just in case he needed to pull away quickly to avoid being bitten. Chris knew he enjoyed this when Elise did this to him, perhaps it would be useful in taming this little gremlin of a man, too.

“I  _ would’ve _ .” Dan responded, drowsy but defiant. 

With the remaining hand on Dan’s back, Chris felt as the rest of the rigid tension in his friend let go. Chris allowed himself the opportunity to enjoy the moment. The softness of the man on top of him made warmth spread across his chest in a way that wasn’t simply from another’s body heat. A hum of contentment escaped his lips. It was right when Chris was willing to give into his impulse to kiss the top of the black mop of hair, that he was interrupted by Dan tittering.

“You know, just my luck: I finally have you in bed with me, and we can’t do anything FUN.”

Aaand there went the moment. Way to go, Dan. Spoiled,  _ as always _ .

Still, Chris rolled his eyes-- very much amused by the gremlin’s one track mind and consistency.

“Weren’t you the one who complained about the beds?”

“Who said I’d need to leave my spot?” Dan was smiling now, no doubt knowing what he was doing. Things couldn’t be overly saccharine if he tainted it with his terrible humor, after all. 

“ _ Hmm. _ ” This was a small note of mirth on Chris’ part, as he decided to follow Dan’s example of moving on from the topic of feelings. “Well, “ he said, letting his fingers drum against Dan’s back, “ I can think of something else to entertain us while in bed. Would you like to hear it?”

At this Dan lifted his head, eyes wide as he looked at Chris curiously. The taller man grinned, picking up the remote Dan had dropped, with a wag.

“Wanna see what’s on?”

Dan pushed himself up just enough to glance over his shoulder at the television.

“Eh, might as well.” he replied, ignoring Chris’ pain noises as he turned himself over so he could see the tv better. And then quickly decided that wasn’t very comfortable for him, either.

“You’re so _ lumpy, _ you know that?” Dan muttered, giving up and sliding off to lay beside Chris, instead.

“Yeah, Elise has mentioned that a few times.” Chris admitted, too preoccupied by Dan’s arm draped possessively over his stomach to be insulted by his apparent faults being brought up. Chris, emboldened by the night’s events, slipped an arm around his friend.

“Pft. She  _ would _ .”

Chris decided not to address what that could mean, and instead they both fell silent as he flipped through the channels. They finally settled on some western movie that looked mildly interesting. It was half way through by the time they found it, and they had no idea what the plot was, but it was better than nothing.

Chris looked over when the door opened. Dan did not. Elise came in, carrying a plastic bag full of styrofoam containers. Her and Chris exchanged warm, knowing smiles.

“Hi, honey.” Chris said.

“Hello, food.” Dan said.

Elise didn’t take the bait, instead putting her wallet and room key on the table with a clatter. She eyed the television, nodding her head in approval.

“‘Red River’, nice.” She plopped onto the foot of the bed, digging through the bag. “They didn’t have hushpuppies, sorry hun. But they did have strawberry rhubarb pie, and I thought that might make up for it.”

The way Chris’ face lit up at the mention of it told Elise that, just perhaps, she had been right with her assumption.

“Elise,  _ I love you so much _ .” He said, taking the box and slightly sitting up. Upon opening it he saw it was his burger and onion rings, and he momentarily frowned.

Elise shook her head at this, handing him his fork and his bottle of medicine.

“You can have it  _ after _ , Chris.”

It was then she got up to get on the other side of the bed, closer to where Dan had nestled into the taller man’s side. Aww… it was almost as if he expected her to give him the boot now that she was back. She sat down next to him, giving Dan a ‘ _ I come in peace _ ’ smile.

“Here,” the styrofoam box was offered, to which Dan snatched it and clutched it to himself as if she was going to take it back. “Saw they had portobello mushroom burgers. I wasn’t sure if you’d be okay having toppings on yours, but I made sure to ask for no cheese. You’ll at least be **safe** , _even if you need to pick everything off._ “

Dan opened the container, and despite his trepidation, it  **did** smell good. He lifted the bun to poke at the toppings. There was, at the very least, no cheese, as promised.

“Your wife is trying to poison me with vegetables, Chris. I always knew it would come to this.”

“Actually, mushrooms aren’t vegetables. They’re not even technically plants.” Elise pointed out, casually, removing her shoes and setting them on the floor at the foot of the bed. “Fungi don’t possess chlorophyll or get their energy from the sun. They eat dead things.”

At this, Chris paused mid-chew and frowned. This was not a friendly dinner conversation. Dan, however, was smiling.

“Hey,  _ I eat dead things. _ ” Dan said, optimistically.

“That’s right, you do!” Elise replied, in that tone that would indicate she was speaking to a toddler. As usual, Dan either ignored it or didn’t notice, taking the burger out and biting into it, feeling safe now that he’d found common ground with this unfamiliar food in a semi-familiar atmosphere.

Elise crawled into bed on the other side of her husband, sitting crossed legged, using her lap as a table and began eating her salad. Chris side-eyed her and swallowed his food before leaning over to Dan to loudly whisper,

“Whoa, she’s eating in bed! Elise  _ never _ eats in bed.”

“Road Madness has set in, enjoy it while it lasts.” Dan whispered back, just as loudly. 

“I can hear you both, you know.” Elise said, inbetween bites. Her tone was laced with amusement that apparently such a thing was noteworthy. 

She need not explain her reasons; however… watching the two men turn their attention back onto the movie, happily joking about how it reminded them of their own wild west adventure… It surprised Elise that it was the fact that seeing both of them-- Dan included-- relax and enjoying themselves made her heart swell.

Once she finished her salad, Elise Pearson rested her head on her husband’s chest. She remained quiet, happily observing. If she noticed Dan never stubbornly removed himself to be on the couch, hours later, having fallen asleep next to Chris’ soft form,  _ well… _ she wasn’t going to be the one to point it out.

Tomorrow would be a day for revenge, but tonight? 

Chris finally got what he wanted.


End file.
